


We're on a Road to Nowhere

by CommaSplice



Series: Westerosi Internet [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 06:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/896867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/pseuds/CommaSplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Brotherhood Without Banners deals with new arrivals. Arya has a job opportunity. Sandor gripes about the gold standard. </p><p>This is from my crackverse where everything is pretty much the same except they have 21st century communications. </p><p>Usual disclaimers. These aren't my characters. I'm just playing with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're on a Road to Nowhere

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MzGlitter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MzGlitter/gifts).



> Possible book spoilers. Strong language.

To: Lord Beric Dondarrion (More_Lives_than_a_Cat@BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
From: Sandor Clegane (TheHound@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: My legal rights

I don’t care what kind of a weird cult you have going on here, but I know two things:

1\. I have the right to a trial by combat.  
2\. You’re going to give me every bit of my money back if I win.

S.C.

* * *

EyepatchofPower: He wants a trial by combat. Can u do the sword thing again?  
RedPriest: NP. Try not 2 get killed again tho.  
EyepatchofPower: I have faith in ur ability.  
RedPriest: There R limits. Also we’re running out of swords  
EyepatchofPower: Just do it, ok? The one kid is a smith. We can have him make us a bunch.

* * *

To: Thoros of Myr (RenegadePriest@ BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
From: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
Subject: Coming to visit

Brother Thoros:

I have seen in the flames that you have among your number one of the late King’s blood. The Lord of Light requires him as a sacrifice. Please secure him so that I can collect him upon my arrival and return with him to the reincarnation of Azor Ahai.

Sincerely,

Melisandre

* * *

To: Lord Beric Dondarrion (More_Lives_than_a_Cat@BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
From: Sandor Clegane (TheHound@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: This is not funny

WTF? I said I wanted my money back! 

By the way, the flaming sword trick, so not cool.

S.C.

* * *

To: Sandor Clegane (TheHound@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: Lord Beric Dondarrion (More_Lives_than_a_Cat@BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
Subject: Re: This is not funny

Clegane,

The Brotherhood without Banners is a cash-poor, non-profit organization. We have been forced to go on the gold standard. This means, that at the end of the war, assuming that we’re still in existence and that you’re still alive, we will be able to remit to you payment in actual coinage that you can spend. 

I apologize for the flaming sword. I think it’s a little silly myself, but everyone else seems to get a kick out of it.

Wishing you the best in your future endeavors,

Beric Dondarrion

* * *

GlutenGuru: Hey!  
PluckyActionGurl: Hi.  
GlutenGuru: How’s it going?  
PluckyActionGurl: I’m learning how 2 murder people w/a bow and arrow. It’s kinda fun. HRU?  
GlutenGuru: Kind of liking getting 2 sleep in a bed and not having people trying 2 kill me. Oh, and I made a killer brioche the other day.  
PluckyActionGurl: Ohhhhh, could u mail it 2 Joffrey and Cersei? That would be a 2fer on my list.  
GlutenGuru: Um, not that kind of killer brioche  
PluckyActionGurl: oh  
GlutenGuru: Anyhow, someone posted a job and it has ur name all over it. I was gonna email u, but it bounced  
PluckyActionGurl: I’m trying to get home here. Not that these dorks r helping. Did I tell u they had the Hound and they let him go!  
GlutenGuru: Man, that sux.  
PluckyActionGurl: He was on my LIST! What a bunch of dumbasses.  
GlutenGuru: What’s ur new email?  
PluckyActionGurl: They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com  
GlutenGuru: I’m sending u the job info. Think about it. 3 regular meals a day and a bed ain’t half bad. G2G, dough 2 knead. TTYL  
(GlutenGuru has signed off)

* * *

To: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
From: Thoros of Myr (RenegadePriest@ BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
Subject: Re: Coming to visit

Heya, Mel,

Long time, no hear. Did the Lord of Light happen to tell you what the sacrifice looked like or what his name is? We’ve got a lot of random people hanging out with us these days.

Great news on Azor Ahai. Who did he come back as? 

Thoros

P.S. When can we expect you?

* * *

To: Arya Stark: (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: “Hot Pie” (Knead2Know@InnattheCrossroads.com)  
Subject: Fwd: Job opportunity

Wanted: Young girl to serve as cupbearer to high ranking government official.

Responsibilities:  
• Wait service  
• Bussing tables  
• Fire Building  
• IT assistance

The successful applicant will have a steady hand; possess a knowledge of “chatspeak;” be literate, clever, and competent.

Preference will be given to applicants: with knowledge of Westerosi history; who have stone mason fathers; who think most girls are idiots.

Salary: Above the King’s Landing minimum. Room and board provided.

To apply: Send cover letter and resume to HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov

* * *

To: Thoros of Myr (RenegadePriest@ BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
From: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
Subject: Re: Re: Coming to visit

Brother Thoros:

If you were devout, you wouldn’t need to ask me such silly questions. But since time is of the essence, the sacrifice is a tall, strapping young man, blue of eye and dark of hair, with biceps that won’t quit. 

In answer to your query, Azor Ahai has been reborn in the person of King Stannis. 

Don’t think we don’t know about your failure to convert King Robert. I suggest you look to your sins, for the night is dark and full of terrors.

Melisandre

* * *

RedPriest: We have a slight problem.  
EyepatchofPower: I’m across the cave from u. U can’t come over and talk 2 me?  
RedPriest: I got contacted by that hot chick from my order that I told u about. She wants Gendry.  
EyepatchofPower: He’s a healthy young lad; he probably won’t mind.  
RedPriest: as a Sacrifice.  
EyepatchofPower: Oh.  
RedPriest: it’s 4 LoL  
EyepatchofPower: I don’t think that’s very funny.  
RedPriest: No, I mean 4 the Lord of Light.  
EyepatchofPower: It’s very confusing when u do that.  
RedPriest: I know, I wrote the Order, but they won’t change it. They’ve been calling him the LoL 4longer than we’ve had chatspeak. Anyway, I think we could make some money out of this.  
EyepatchofPower: We do need a new server.  
RedPriest: We shouldn’t have let the fat baker kid go.  
EyepatchofPower: The other kind of server.  
RedPriest: gotcha. Hey, get this: Stannis is Azor Ahai reborn.  
EyepatchofPower: Stannis? As in the Lobster King?  
RedPriest: IKR?!

* * *

To: “Hot Pie” (Knead2Know@InnattheCrossroads.com)  
From: Arya Stark (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: Re: Fwd: Job opportunity

Thanks for thinking of me, but that’s my old job. He had his chance, but he blew it when he tried to leave me with the Mountain. He’s on the LIST now.

* * *

To: Gendry Waters (MsFanservice@BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
From: Lord Beric Dondarrion (More_Lives_than_a_Cat@BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)  
Subject: New assignment

Hi Gendry,

We hate to do this to you, but you’re going to be taking a trip with the Lady Melisandre. The good news is that you may get to have sex with her. Thoros tells me she’s hot. Also, we’re getting new computer equipment, new armor, and food out of this swap. The bad news is well, let’s not go there. Sex with a beautiful lady is always a plus in Westeros.

Have fun with the LoL.

Just remember, the night is dark and full of terrors!

Sincerely,

Lord Beric Dondarrion  
The Lightning Lord

* * *

MrFanService: They’re selling me off  
PluckyActionGurl: WTH?  
MrFanService: It doesn’t sound 2 bad. That redheaded babe is taking me somewhere and it’s going 2 be funny  
PluckyActionGurl: Funny?  
MrFanService: Lord Beric said something about “Have fun with the LOL.” How bad can it be?  
PluckyActionGurl: ur throwing me over 4 that old lady with the dye job?  
MrFanService: I think she’s kinda hot  
PluckyActionGurl: OMG, first Hot Pie leaves 2 bake bread and now u leave me 2  
MrFanService: we’ll get back 2gether  
PluckyActionGurl: How can u possibly know that?  
MrFanService: cuz I’m the only age appropriate guy 4 u and something 2 do w/my father  
PluckyActionGurl: Like that matters in this universe. Everyone dies on me.  
MrFanService: I don’t think she wears anything under that robe  
PluckyActionGurl: OMG

* * *

To: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
From: Arya Stark (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: Keep your hands off my boyfriend

Witch,

You are so on the LIST now. Touch a hair on his gorgeous head (or body) and I’m going to make you suffer. 

Valar Morghulis

Arya Stark

* * *

To: Arya Stark (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
Subject: Re: Keep your hands off my boyfriend

Girl,

I’ve looked in your eyes and it’s not pretty. You should look to the Lord of Light for salvation before you are eternally damned. 

Don’t worry about the young man. I’ll make sure he enjoys the rite, well, up until the end, anyhow.

If you won’t turn to the light, you might try and seek out some therapy. 

Valar Dohaeris 

Melisandre

P.S. You’re too young for him anyhow.

* * *

PluckyActionGurl: you idiot. “LoL” doesn’t mean what you think it means  
MrFanService: u r just jealous  
(MrFanService has signed off)

* * *

To: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
From: King Stannis Baratheon (OneTrueKing@Dragonstone.gov)  
Subject: The Sacrifice

Woman,

I have just been informed of the preparations you are making for Robert’s bastard. Why do you require candles, wine, and a large feather bed? 

I assure you that my fires burn quite high. I would prefer we continue in the traditional way and you can give me another “son.” I have given orders that our special table be properly cleaned. I might even consent to removing more of my clothing this time. 

When are you coming back?

Stannis Baratheon  
The King in the Narrow Sea  
Warrior of Light  
The Lord's Chosen  
Son of Fire

* * *

EyepatchofPower: Girl, we had 2 do it. We need the cash.  
PluckyActionGurl: I’m right here  
EyepatchofPower: Sorry, Thoros got me in the habit. Plus people are sleeping. . .  
PluckyActionGurl: If u think I’m forgiving u for selling off my last friend . . .  
EyepatchofPower: I just do what the LoL tells me. He’s the one true god.  
PluckyActionGurl: The only god I worship is Death.  
EyepatchofPower: u know, when we get u back 2 ur family, I think I’m going 2 suggest some therapy.  
PluckyActionGurl: I’ve been separated from everyone for 2.5 yrs. U think GRRM is gonna let that happen?  
EyepatchofPower: who is GRRM?  
PluckyActionGurl: Death AKA GRRM. Everybody dies.  
EyepatchofPower: I’m proof that that is not so.  
PluckyActionGurl: Cool guy that people like? Ur so gonna die real soon.

* * *

To: King Stannis Baratheon (OneTrueKing@Dragonstone.gov)  
From: Lady Melisandre (Woman_in_Red@LordofLight.com)  
Subject: Re: The Sacrifice

My King,

The Lord of Light requires sacrifices from us all, even me.

Melisandre

P.S. I’ll be back soon.

* * *

To: Arya Stark (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: Sandor Clegane (TheHound@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: Accepting your fate

Girl,

Trying to hit me with a rock is not clever. Your sister was smarter than you and that’s saying an awful lot. 

Speaking of your sister, did you know I saved her, like at least three times? She would have come with me too, but I guess my being drunk and covered with blood and surprising her in her bedchamber during the heat of the battle put her off.

Sandor

* * *

PluckyActionGurl: My sister wouldn’t look twice at u  
TheHound: She totally did. We had a thing going  
PluckyActionGurl: In ur dreams. She’s all about the pretty boys.  
TheHound: Girl, we had effin’ chemistry. I mean, we clicked so much they’re gonna write stories about us.  
PluckyActionGurl: Fine, take me back. I have a job waiting 4 me in KL

* * *

To: Arya Stark (They_Will_Pay@OnTheRoad.com)  
From: Sandor Clegane (TheHound@OnTheRoad.com)  
Subject: Basic geography

Girl,

This is a map of Westeros:  
http://gameofthrones.net/images/Westeros_Maps/Map_Westeros_Political.gif

We’re near the Red Fork. The Blackwater is way down to the south.

Because it’s apparent you have a shaky sense of direction, I’m not going back to that fuckwad, Joffrey or that bitch of a Queen Regent. I’m taking you to your mother so I can get money that I will just drink away. 

Sandor

* * *

PluckyActionGurl: Lord Tywin?  
MemeticBadass: Yes.  
PluckyActionGurl: Do u still need a new cupbearer?  
MemeticBadass: With whom am I chatting?  
PluckyActionGurl: Well, u called me “girl” at Harrenhal.  
MemeticBadass: . .  
PluckyActionGurl: I had u on my LIST, but I’m surrounded by idiots and no one knows which way is north. At least u weren’t actively abusive 2 me, “milord.” ;-)  
MemeticBadass: I do not care for emoticons.  
PluckyActionGurl: Sorry, people keep telling me I need 2 lighten up.  
MemeticBadass: A sense of humour is vastly overrated.  
PluckyActionGurl: I know, right?! My latest captor is deluded into thinking he had a shot w/my sister even tho he’s all dirty and gross and OMG, the smell. He like drinks ALL OF THE TIME!  
MemeticBadass: Drunkards and fools. I am surrounded by them as well. Very well, Girl, tell me where you are and I will send my guards to bring to King’s Landing.  
PluckyActionGurl: Ok, I know u know who I am. Can u just not call me “Girl?” Everyone calls me that and it’s giving me a real identity crisis. I mean, it’s better from when they all called me “Boy,” but . . .  
MemeticBadass: Of course, Lady Arya, you’ll have to be a hostage of course, but given our impending family connection, I can promise you, your life will be infinitely safer. Now where are you?  
(TheHound has entered the conversation)  
TheHound: Yh, this is not happening. We have places 2 go, people 2 kill.  
(PluckyActionGurl has signed off)  
(TheHound has signed off)  
MemeticBadass: Seven hells.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Characters are literate who are probably not literate in the show or the books.


End file.
